I Think She Likes it Here

First up, for my sister. The fruit is sweet, like pineapple, but with an apple like texture. The Red skin is furry.

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Oh, and the odd pic

This gully beside the road has been flowing for over a week. It’s wet here. This flow cuts across the road about 100 metres down the road.

Two views from the kitchen

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We had always said that if we could find a nice quiet shed in the bush with a few fruit trees & some bush, then we’d be happy to call it home base. Going by my state of mind at the moment, She would love this block. 
Forgive me if I get a bit ‘we’. It’s just that I love her so much, and miss her more than daylight. I ‘feel’ Her here. I so, so wish I could touch her. To feel her skin. Hear Her voice. Kiss Her. Walk with Her. Sleep next to Her. Just ‘be’ with Her. Gods, She was Beautiful.

This block is very similar to our special place at The Caves. Except the shed is bigger, the forest is wet rainforest, not dry vine forest and we have lots of water.
There are also  many more fruit trees, and we are an extra 2km from any passing traffic.
At The Caves, we were only a hundred metres from the road in a big clearing. Here, we don’t hear the minimal traffic. We (if She was here) can get nekkid and just wander around. I can’t wait for the weather to clear a little. I think I’ll kick the tractor in the guts & slash the paddock anyway. It also has a bucket on the front, so I can fix the driveway too. The rain started again. We had a three hour break, but then this is the Wet Season.
I tried the tractor, but tbe old rear tyre blew after about 3/4 of an hour. I’ve slashed a little bit though. Rear tyre for a tractor? Roughly $1200.

Jack hangs close. I evicted the dogs from inside. But the rain is heavy & Jack just snuck in to lay next to me. He sneaks in at night & lays next to me by the bed. He misses Her like I do. I think He is just waiting for that “G’day Jack!” from Her. She was the Boss. He always looked to Her as His Boss. I am his mate. And we both miss Her. Poor bugger. I see it in His eyes sometimes: “Where’s Mum?”

It is very real when you see a dog missing that special person. Flossy is a Lost Soul too. Her master passed away just over a year ago.
So basically, if you take into account Jack & Flossys loss, plus Floyds weirdness, the four of us are just depressed, inbred loners :).

Sometimes, when you ‘click’ with someone, nothing after or before that matters. Their soul fills you with everything that ever mattered. 
I can’t explain the love, joy & peace that I found with my Tina. If you ever do, or have found  ‘it’,  you really will, just know. Beyond that, you just won’t know how priveleged I was to find my true soulmate. She meant so, so much to me. My life was really complete. I didn’t need food even. Just Her sustained my soul and my body. Really. She fed my being. and I exist because I know Her Soul does. Thanks to something Lori experienced after Her husband passed. Look for the ‘medium’ posts..

I like this solitude. I become more honest with myself.

I have people in my life, from my past & present that I could happily enjoy my time with here. Problem is, cold baths and very basic living doesn’t appeal to too many people. I mean really, this is very basic living out here. No luxuries besides mains power and an air conditioned main bedroom. *Everything* else is how you make it. I really am settling in here. I just hope the bubble doesn’t burst, like it has so many times before
.
I think She visits me. But She has a grand-daughter to look after.
I Love You Tina. You will always be my world. I don’t want to cry, but I’m sorry my Baby. I miss you more than living itself.
Your soul & the memory of you keeps me alive. You and my Grommet, and Bonnie & Kris & Vicki & Alex & Sarah & Loren & Ella-Rose. You are my reason for not giving up.

Sometimes I could die tomorrow and not care. But Lillian and my other six children remind me that at some stage, they might need me. I won’t leave my loved ones wondering by offing myself. A dear friend still fights with that thought. I know that even though if I did suicide, we would be together again. I know that, based on the trust I have in Lori’s honesty (read this womans blog).
But the people that I really care for will hurt if I off myself. I won’t put more hurt in this world. It would be so easy though. To be with my beautiful friend again. The temptation to leave this world is always there. Just to be able to hold Her again. You have NO idea how much Tina meant to me. It hurts sooo much knowing that our future together just won’t happen. She was a most beautiful soul.

‘But trust me on the sunscreen’

Seriously, death would bring me closer to Her. It is not a bad option. But I have people I love here. I don’t want to make them sad. I don’t want to think that they might feel the way I do. But sometimes the loss & the hurt is so fucking physically bad that I don’t think I can cope. I can’t explain these empty, lost, useless feelings I get. I am a shell. All the pretending. All the ‘it’ll be OK’ bullshit just doesn’t cut it. I want Her back.
Getting lost in an drug infused fog can be such relief sometimes. Being drunk or wasted lets me get lost in other places. The hurt numbs a little and I can function with some semblance of normalcy. But when everything becomes clear again, I remember. I remember that She isn’t coming back. She left five months ago. From that bed in the hospital. She just floated away to where there is no pain. No loss. Only love. Oh I miss her so bad.

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