Friday the 20th marked six months since She passed. These past days in kuku yalanji land have been good for my soul though. I feel more relaxed here than anywhere I’ve stayed this past half year. I am beginning to feel a little more used to it just being me. Actually, I am starting to embrace the thought of being alone. It’s not so lonely now as before. Maybe in some way I’m beginning to ‘heal’ as some might say. I sometimes feel Tina is by my side sometimes, guiding me along some path. My logical atheistic side says no, your brain is just getting used to the ‘alone’ & is confusing you. Having been together, side by side 24 hours a day, seven days a week for eight years and then suddenly, one of the pair is gone forever, well that takes some getting used to. However, my spiritual hippy side says yes, She comes and goes between the kids and me, and She likes this country where I am. It feels ‘right’ to be here.
But I also think it’s a case of me accepting that time can’t go backwards. And sooner or later, that tenuous grip I have on my former life with Tina will slip away. I will have my memories, and my love for Her, but I will keep them hidden away in secret place just for myself. I can’t say “goodbye” to the people I care about. To me, the word carries with such … finality. Goodbye is forever.
I’m at the picnic spot at Weary Bay beach. It’s just after sunset and I can see the Southern Cross in the sky. Every time I see the ‘Cross, I think of Lillian and all my other kids in Rocky. And Ella, our Grand-daughter. I feel their beautiful souls and hope they know that I love them so.
I’ve been out of range for a bit, but Rosie (aaah Rosie) has free WiFi if you support the Middle Shop by buying stuff, which I do. So I will upload this while I can. I have a post coming about the history of this area too. It’ll be a long but hopefully interesting read. With pictures and stuff.
*Update*: WiFi was down, so you didn’t get this Monday night.
I have become extremely self-conscious about my tooth. Since 1984 I have had a post & capped tooth, one of the outcomes of a major car smash/roll/crush thing that happened before my 19th birthday out at Blackwater when I was young, stupid, and very, very drunk. How drunk? I have three memories of the day. I might even tell the story one day.
Anyway, back to the tooth.
I used to have a cap on my front left tooth. For some time bone had been growing down behind & above the tooth and cap. So after 30 years the tooth never bedded properly. I started using a special two part putty to keep it in place. So anyway again, when Tina got sick, my tooth was not something I was thinking about. By that stage (September 2012), my tooth cap only stayed in place on occasion. I lost it sometime in September. Who really cares when.
But now, knowing how gross this rotten stump looks like in my face, I’ve started smiling with my mouth closed, or covering my mouth when I smile. I don’t think I do it out of embarrasment, I just don’t want to gross people out. Maybe it is vanity or something, but it’s not nice. I miss really smiling. Because I tend to smile a lot, even when I’m dying inside.
See, it’s really fugly…the chip in my other tooth was caused by a puppy jumping up and smashing the top of a stubbie into my tooth by headbutting the bottom of said beer bottle just as I was about to take a swig. 🙂
Tuesday night, ‘The Tin Shed’ at Ayton was open. It’s the local RSL, but isn’t open often. Just special occasions. A few Airforce lads came to town for tomorrows service and march, so the community had a meet and greet as well. The The Hillbilly Goats & a female solo singer/guitarist (sorry,I missed her name) played. She was really good, and the Goats were at their Hillbilly Roots & early blues best.
The beer and spirits were cheap. Three bucks for beers & cider. Five for Jim Beam & Bundy Rum. About fifty or more locals turned up and we all had a foot stomping, doublebass, banjo & spoons night. You should check the Hillybilly Goats out. They play Hillbilly Blues, Bluegrass, old time Blues, the guitar, banjo, harmonica, double bass & spoons are all played with energy and vibrance. Some of their reportoire includes songs from the early 1700s. Real Hillbilly Roots music, the precursor to Blues, Country and Rockabilly. Everybody had a good time at the tin shed. By ten thirty things wound down and I wandered, well, staggered back to Haleys and my comfy bed. I had walked down earlier, rather than drive the minibus a kilometre to the gig. I could have driven, but I tend not to drink and drive anymore. I’ll leave that for the idiots to do.
It’s ANZAC Day, 25th of April. Ayton has had its march. It’s after eleven a.m. and I think there’s a two-up school going up at the sportsground. I might wander up. But then the ‘Goats’ are playing at The Lions Den today too. Decisions. The Den is up the other side of ‘that’ road, and I don’t really feel like having to run up and down again. I had to go to Rossville yesterday, in the big bus for the interschool sports day & cross country. I crawled over the bad patches, but it was a rock n roll ride for the kids.
Back to Wednesday. I took a run up to the Lions Den after the march at Ayton. I had a yarn with a few of the locals and listened to the start of the Hillbilly Goats jam session. Then I grabbed a six pack of cider & headed back to the cricket ground to watch the softball and apologize to someone for inviting them back to my place the night before. Yes, I was a little drunk and said something stupid. Nothing rude, but still uncalled for. Bloody alcohol. Makes us stupid. I really feel like an arse at the moment. The first person that I have felt a deep attraction to since ‘then’. Someone I really enjoy talking to. Someone that makes me smile. Someone with eyes that make me melt. Someone who makes me act like a 17 year old with a crush. Someone I could spend hours with and not want to be somewhere else. And I go and make a proper dickhead of myself. The last time I said something like that to someone was when I was about 21, and she had already told me she wanted me to take her home. If you are reading this, person who I am talking about, please forgive my idiocy. I have no excuse. It was very Bogan of me.
I ended up having an early night Wednesday after taking some of the women from Wujal Wujal back to the community after the softball.
I had to go to Cooktown today. Got a flat tyre near the Den. No jack! The postie stopped and offered his. Thanks cobber.
When I got to town I checked my mail and my ring had arrived! Remember how I won the ring on Lori’s Blog. The ring came all the way from Our Childrens Earth in Ogden Utah. How cool is this ‘steampunk’ ring? I think I might wear it all the time, and I’m not really a ring person. But I like this.
I hope that’s not too blurry. Here’s another, but it’s upside down
Thanks Lori, and thanks Stephanie. I’ve been showing it off all afternoon 🙂
I’m having a quiet night tonight. I have to take some people to Cooktown at 05:30 and then do the school run back here at 08:00, then take some people to Cooktown for the hospital at 09:00, then bring them back after 12:00, then do the afternoon school run. It’s going to be a big day again.
There is a really big funeral happening in Wujal Wujal tomorrow for a respected old lady from the community. Frankie,a local bama and friend, told me that they have a big feast after the funeral. This afternoon they were preparing a whole bullock, some sea turtle (ngnawia), as well as other meat, and kilos and kilos of vegetables. This will be a very important funeral. I have been told that not many children will be going to school tomorrow either. I won’t be attending, as I did not know her. It would be disrespectful for me to show up.
I have been learning some language these past days.
Bilgamul (the best I can spell it) is crocodile here. Yarraman is Horse. Yubba is brother,and I think boppon means baby boy. Like in “my beautiful little boppon”. I learnt (and subsequently forgot) about a dozen new words yesterday. I’ll write them down next time. The local dialect will become my second language over the next 12 months. I’ll even try and teach my kids some choice words so they can insult people without them knowing 😉
Finally (for Thursday night)
In the words of that song:
‘Don’t know that I will, but until love can find me, and the girl who’ll stay and won’t play games behind me. I’ll be what I am. A solitary man. A solitary man.
Yup, Johnny Cash covering (bugger…the ‘Hot August Night’ bloke from the seventies). You should listen to some of his covers. He did an effing amazing version of Nibe Inch Nails ‘Hurt’. Plus Depeche Modes ‘Personal Jesus’. ‘I Won’t Back Down’ (Tom Petty?), ‘I Hung My Head’ is absolutely a must hear. Who first did that one? Heartbreaking. Neil Youngs ‘Heart of Gold’and (who did) The Mercy Seat (Nick Cave?). Most of you know that I am *not* a country music fan, but Mr Cash’s take on these tracks have spun me.
I’m also getting into a bit of the following bama and local waybala bands (please do a Google hunt for these people):
Roswell. Search for Top pub Rosswell new years eve 2011 on YouTube & you’ll find them.
And of course,The Hillbilly Goats
All worth checking out for something local and different.
OK, some more lyrics. I really, really love this track. Didos ‘Thankyou’:
My tea’s gone cold I’m wondering why, I got out of bed at all. The morning rain clouds up my window, and I can’t see at all. Even if I could it’d all be grey. But your picture on my wall, it reminds me that it’s not so bad, not so bad.
I drank too much last night, I got bills to pay, my head just feels in pain. I missed the bus & there’ll be hell to pay,I’m late for work again. And if I’m even there they’ll all imply, that I might not last the day. And then you call me and it’s not so bad, it’s not so bad.
I want to thank you,for giving me the best day of my life, and oh oh, just to be with you, is having the best day of my life.
I push the door I’m home at last, and I’m soaking through and through. Then you handed me a towel, and all I see is you, and even if my house falls down now,I wouldn’t have a clue, because you’re near me.
I want to thank you, for giving me the best day of my life. Oh, just to be with you, is having the best day of my life.
Finally. A chance to upload. In Cooktown for an hour.