Go With Me On This Please

Hi gang. I’m sorry I’ve been talking in riddles lately, or sounding lovestruck. I am trying to get my feelings out where I can see them, and if you long time readers remember, I created this blog for my headspace. I am letting The Green Bus sit in the garage until I’m brave enough to start her engine again.
I know I will be judged by my feelings in this respect. Some of you may be angry. Some happy. Others will be thinking, how can this be?
I am going through some feelings at the moment that make me at once feel absolutely fantastic, sad, guilty, unworthy, confused and also very comfortable. I wrestle with these thoughts and feelings every day, analysing them, pulling them apart and peering inside, looking for signs of perhaps a grieving need for closeness, or a sign that it is an infatuation or obsession that I am nurturing so I can forget about Her. But the more I strip it away and try to find a logical reason to reject feeling like this, just seven and a half months after my world crashed around me, the rawness emerges. I know what it feels like to cling to someone and confuse a need for emotional comfort into an infatuation and a false feeling of what could be confused for something other than a friendship love.
I am also battling with thoughts of things people have told me in my past. My Dad, who passed away in 1997, told me that “I was a sucker for a damsel in distress.” I’m sure it was my big sister who said “You are a hopeless romantic”, amongst other sage observations and advice over the years. I passed some of her wise words onto my son Kris many years ago. I think that advice has served him well.
So, I fight these internal conflicts and try to make sense of it all.
I decided to try a checklist approach in my head, so that I could look at it somewhat rationally. A bit like a snag version of a Playboy or Cosmo questionaire
Here we go…’Does this person have the following qualities?’
On an emotional level
The number One most important quality/trait that I admire in any person is honesty. This person is swimming in honesty.
Trusting me, and in me to keep shared confidentialities, and me entrusting that person with mine.
Trusting me
I hope so…think so
On a personality level
Knowing the joy of real laughter, and being able to make me laugh
In bucketfulls, so of course, Check.
Compassion when it is deserved. Check
She has proven that by her past and present actions involving her family & friends
A sense of humour
Hehe 🙂 Check
A good yarner/conversationalist
Does she have Conviction/staunchness
I would keep going, but let’s move on to a physical level
Do her eyes express her personality?
Oh look, I’m not going to keep on that subject. It’s not relevant at the moment. However, for the record,she has aaallll the boxes ticked.
Wow. My head feels better. Almost lighter. But I don’t like breaking it down to a checklist.
My feelings for this person grow stronger as she entrusts me with more of her world. I want to see her more. I want to listen and talk, to laugh, to cry with her. I want to sit and watch another sunrise with her, in my arms, wrapped in a blanket so we keep each other warm, and strengthen each others spirits for whatever is in each of our futures. To walk away knowing that whatever happens in those futures, our mutual trust, love and friendship will remain strong.
You humble me
You do not fill a hole in my heart, you open my heart.
You are beautiful
Your smile lights a room
Your laugh makes the birds dance & sing
I am not infatuated with you, I feel strong emotions for you. Very strong emotions. To understate it, I hold dear each moment we spend together. Each laugh. Each suppressed tear. However, I also understand, but avoid thinking too much of the reality we both face in our futures. I want to soak up this moment as it feels now.


3 thoughts on “Go With Me On This Please

  1. Brad…in 1979 a friend of mine gave my fiance a ride home and crashed…took an hour to cut her out of car and at hospital only her mom and father were allowed in..not me, or her brother..they pulled plug…

    after I went through want you’re doing..basically like a pinball…bouncing between guilt for trying to bounce back…and just wanting to live in the past…and guess what…you can’t do either my friend….

    all you can do is try to let things come to you… reaching for what seems to be comforting at the time may not be…that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t act on feeling of others….or wallow in self pity and guilt..
    it won’t change history..

    and history IS the important thing…thats why old folks always say…”I remember when”…

    you keep a bag of that in the back of your head and take a step out and about when you can…you can’t live in past…but you can’t stand still either my dear friend….

    to this day I can’t listen to Mountain song theme for imaginary western without breaking into tears..
    so people are impossible to forget…tina was one… I miss her so much….

    be well my friend…be well.


  2. Brad ,im happy for you,you have endured much pain along with many other soul searching feelings ,to live is what we all should do,to be happy is the apithany of life ,you have been blessed to find comfort .jodi Gatti


  3. Without strong emotions, you aren’t living… and it sounds to me like you’re living every day to the fullest G. Be thankful for everything that has brought you to this point… and embrace whatever the future holds.

    To thine own self be true.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s